


Trip me up and catch me

by BrainlessGenius



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Analogince - Freeform, Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, M/M, Multi, One Shot, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Polyamory, Prompt Fill, Self-Doubt, self-deprecating thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:41:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28691844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrainlessGenius/pseuds/BrainlessGenius
Summary: Roman knows he’s a good actor, and he’s built himself on that fact, prided himself on perfection. But heisn’tperfect, and he finds himself messing up an audition, one he and his boyfriends were excitedly rooting for. He fears what may happen if they find out. He fears letting them down. He comes up with a solution, but not particularly the best one.A fill for the prompt "sad Roman + Analogince"
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 59





	Trip me up and catch me

**Author's Note:**

> Warning/s: Mature language (swearing), a bit of self-deprecating thoughts and self-doubt, figurative mention of sharp object

They’d been expecting him to nail it. Hell,  _ he’d  _ been expecting himself to nail it.

Roman had finally gotten a chance at portraying the role of his dreams, the finest apple in all of the orchard. He remembers how he had called Virgil and Logan up then and there, trying to hide his excitement as he talked with them through the phone on the bus ride home. He all but crashed into their arms the minute he was home, almost teary-eyed at the prospect of him even being offered an audition.

All he had to do was ace it.

His partners had helped him practice. For weeks they watched Roman pour his heart out for this audition, taking turns making comments on his stance, his volume, eye contact, intonation, gestures, and memorization. 

Virgil had taken all the pleasure out of doing Roman’s make-up every time he needed him to, experimenting with different shades of eyeshadow as Roman went over his lines in his head. Logan often scolded Roman, nagging him about the importance of rest as he brought him a cup of ginger tea. Both of them would stay up ‘till their eyes could manage to both convince Roman to come back to sleep and to applaud another spotless rendition of his audition piece.

They had showered him with so much words of encouragement, love, and support. They had believed in him, leaving him a peck on each cheek before he entered the building that day.

“We know you’ll do great. You always do, love,” they had said. And Roman pocketed the words close to his chest, determined to give them exactly what they expected, exactly what they deserved.

Then he choked up from the get-go and forgot his starting lines, which meant he blew it. 

He lingers in the bathroom immediately after, going through the entire incident in his head. His hands curl up into a fist as he stares at his look of defeat in the mirror. He can already hear Logan’s voice in his head, telling him that he’s feeding into cognitive distortions yet again and that a single mistake does not make the entire performance a failure. He can hear Virgil’s familiar scoff, telling him that worry doesn’t suit him and that if he doesn’t get the main role, there are still supporting acts.

And Roman believes it. Really, he does. But there are other things to worry about. He worries about how other aspiring actors may have done better, he recollects how there were more than half a hundred people he was going against, and he thinks of the possibility of him being the only person to sabotage his own performance.

He can tell the truth and have it over with. Then again, if he does still get the role, he will have wasted a perfectly good reputation for nothing.

He loves his boyfriends more than any sonnet can express, and he’s sure they love him right back. But Roman prides himself,  _ builds  _ himself on perfection, and he dreads what they might think once he announces how badly he fucked up.

They expected greatly of him, and here Roman is, not even getting halfway to what they envisioned. He shudders at the thought of them thinking less of him, of being less than the man they accepted years ago.

On the long walk back outside the building, or at least he feels it’s that long, Roman does nothing but contemplate. Until the very last minute, where he’s already standing face-to-face with both Virgil and Logan in front of him, Roman juggles the two options in his mind.

“So? How’d it go, Ro?” Virgil asks as he pops a piece of gum into his mouth, chewing with the slightest smile on his face.

Logan beside him sips from a paper cup, handing Roman one as well. “Did you, as Virgil puts it, ‘break a leg’?”

Virgil stifles a laugh while Roman takes his sweet time taking a long sip from his coffee. When he pulls down the cup, he makes a choice.

“It went marvelously, fantabulously great! Oh my stars, they loved me!” It wasn’t hard to spit out. He is an actor, after all. For a second he thinks he might regret it, but the smile on his boyfriends’ faces bloom wider and in mere seconds Virgil is tackling him in a hug, uncaring for the drink almost spilling on both of them.

Logan moves beside them during the embrace, draping an arm over Roman’s shoulder.

“See? What’d I tell ‘ya? The Roman Empire conquers again, Lo.”

“Of course he does.” Logan offers an affectionate squeeze to Roman’s arm, downing the rest of his drink before pulling away. “I can’t recall a time when he has not.” Roman can only stand rigidly at Logan’s statement, teeth coming to bite the inside of his cheek as he remembers his mishap yet again.

They go home that day in high spirits, feasting over a store-bought roast chicken for dinner as they unofficially toast to another of Roman’s “success.” As an actor, Roman can only swallow the seeds of doubt and deceit in his head as he convinces himself to play this part well. It’s the only thing he’s gotten right today, it seems. 

Besides, it’s the most he’s seen Logan willingly break from work in a while. It’s the first he’s seen Virgil not hunched over in anxiety in days. So Roman tells himself to just gulp down the entire situation and charge through it with the most unsure battlecry he’s ever heard in his life. If it’s benefiting the two most important people in his life, then that’s more than enough.

The days in between the audition and getting the results are quite possibly the longest week and a half in Roman’s life. On the bright side, his acting has significantly improved. He learned how to act relaxed when he is practically drowning in anxiety. He learned how to act calm and collected when his mistake plays and replays in his head. He got used to faking a confident smile and a sure spring in his step even when insecurities threaten to trip him up.

He’s already deep in the act. It would be foolish of him to stop now.

He’s not sure what he expects when he gets the email. Reading the “sorry” typewritten on screen along with the rest of the words pricks something in Roman; almost unnoticeable but there. He saw it coming. He knew his fuck-up was too obvious for the judges to simply ignore it, the other auditionees’ performances too spot-on to be glazed over. 

He tries to keep a straight face and will his fingers to close the tab. But his eyes stay glued to the message, reading and re-reading the same lines as if the hundredth repeat can alter what it says. 

He didn’t get the part. That in itself is already a stake through the gut, Roman thinks. This is not the first time, no. Such a feat would be near impossible for someone with a whole lifetime of theater still ahead of him. 

He’s been through the heartbreak of a failed audition before; every instance spent in his PJs and disastrously belting out impossibly high power ballads in tears as he downs and regrets a container of ice cream. It’s a familiar routine his easily-wounded ego is well-acquainted with, and usually he emerges from despair like a magnificent butterfly breaking open its cocoon for the first time.

But this is a different circumstance. 

Now, he has people waiting along with him. The two men Roman loves are just out there and just as expectant as him about this audition. No, scratch that. They’re expecting  _ more;  _ ‘cause Roman did the stupidest thing and told them how he did an absolutely spectacular job instead of swallowing his pride and admitting that he butchered the piece. The same piece all three of them had worked so hard on. He thinks of himself as a failure--  _ knows  _ he’s a failure; but Roman doesn’t know if he can handle them thinking of him as such too.

He’s never let them down before. He shakes thinking how this might be the first.

With an exasperated sigh and an overwhelming heaviness settling in Roman’s chest, he closes his laptop. Bitterness tastes, well,  _ bitter _ on his tongue; but he ignores any and all negative sensation within him and opts for a quick fix of a smile. 

He sees Logan in the living room after, laptop pulled up and eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Logan looks up at him, shooting him that small, one-sided smile Roman’s come to love. Logan scoots over once; a silent invitation for Roman to sit beside him. Most times Roman accepts, running over and wrapping Logan’s smaller form in his arms as he watches him type away gibberish into his laptop. 

Today, Roman hesitates. He sees a flash of worry in Logan’s expression and he remembers how he’s supposed to be acting, pretending he’s alright, hiding the fact that the results have come out. So Roman runs over and sits beside Logan, head resting on Logan’s shoulder and eyes slipping closed like he’s done a hundred times before. 

He is afraid that Logan might speak up and ask, but he doesn’t. Logan only presses a kiss to Roman’s temple and carries on with his work. No questions asked.

Roman is relieved and grateful just as he is on the verge of panic. He  ~~ fakes ~~ makes it through another day.

He avoids the topic as much as possible; doing everything imaginable to allow them to forget that they were even waiting on something. But of course he knows he can’t evade it forever. 

The question arises eventually in the form of Virgil casually bringing it up during cleaning day.

“By the way, Ro. It’s been a few weeks. Is the casting list out yet?” Virgil asks as he carries a stack of books away, making space for Logan beside him to dust out the old bookshelf.

Roman’s hand goes still on the junk he’s been shoving into a trash bag, breaths suddenly deeper as he thinks of an answer. It will be so easy to tell him that the results have not come out yet; that it may take another couple of weeks, but he knows his act is beginning to grow stale.

He doesn’t realize that the silence had been dragging on; only notices how his boyfriends have now frozen in whatever task they were doing and are now staring at Roman with different but still so similar expressions.

Roman misses the way Virgil quickly waves a hand in front of him. “Hey, Romano. You with us, love?”

Roman forgets that he’s still clutching the trash bag and internally cringes when he sees how his hands are trembling, knuckles white around the top of the black plastic.

Logan slowly sets down his duster and wipes off his hands while Virgil dusts himself off from all the dirt that fell out of the books. They come closer to Roman as he forces his head to think of a solution, an escape, an excuse,  _ something. _

“Roman?” Logan takes the initiative to step further closer, slowly reaching out to place a hand on Roman’s cheek. It’s a very obvious display of affection, one both Roman and Virgil are not used to seeing. “You don’t have to be afraid to tell us if anything’s wrong. You know that, right?”

Logan’s thumb goes to swipe across his cheek in such an unusually tender motion that for a bit Roman is ever-so-slightly shocked. So much so that he doesn’t even register how Logan’s thumb comes off damp having just wiped a tear off Roman’s face.

In that small moment Roman realizes there’s no point in putting up a facade anymore when it’s already been broken through. Not when the debris is already cluttering the ground clear as day. But he still tries to hold on to the rubble, cradling as much of it as he can in his arms to at least slow down its fall.

“I… I didn’t make it,” Roman barely whispers. He doesn’t meet their gaze and instead focuses on the feeling of Logan’s hand still warm on his cheek and Virgil’s sleeve brushing against his arm.

“Oh, Ro,” Virgil starts. Roman feels Logan’s hand pull away just as he hears the faint dragging of something on their carpet. He hasn’t had the time to even miss the sensation of Logan’s touch when he feels himself gently being guided to sit. “When did you find out?”

The chair is not the most comfortable thing. He feels a bit awkward as he sits still on it, feeling as if he’s taking up too much space on the seat, like he’s a suspect being questioned by the two men in front of him. He usually loves the spotlight, but never like this.

“I’ve… known for a while now.” In front of him, Logan raises an eyebrow as he looks down on Roman from where he stands and Virgil blinks up at him from where he’s crouched beside Logan.

“How come you have not told us until now?” Logan asks. There’s a softness in his voice, but Roman can’t help but pick up the smallest hint of annoyance and betrayal. He’s not sure if it’s real or imaginary, but the stone it drops in his heart is still very real nonetheless.

“I didn’t know how to say it.” His voice comes out soft, unsure, and not very  _ Roman  _ of him. A part of him yells to pull himself together and go on with the show, but he can’t help but feel as though he’s already held captive by his audience.

Virgil sets a hand on his clothed knee. “Hey, hey. Look, I know it sucks that you didn’t get the part, but that’s totally fine, Ro. You have like… your whole goddamn life left to go and try out other, maybe even better shit.”

Logan cuts in. “Besides, Roman. Knowing you, I’m sure you did your absolute best.”

“Yeah, Ro. It’s their loss, honestly. A bit of a shame that they threw away their chance at having you in their production--”

_ “I didn’t.”  _

They both stop, broken off by roman’s sudden rise in volume.

Logan shifts uncomfortably in his place. “You didn’t what, Roman?”

Roman pauses, letting the unfortunate event replay in his head, hands balling into loose fists before he speaks. “I didn’t do my best. I could have done better. I  _ should  _ have done better.”

He doesn’t quite see Virgil gawk at him as if he was losing his mind, but he practically hears it in his tone. “Ro-- have you seen how hard you worked for that? I mean, Lo and I saw just exactly how much you poured into this one bit. My god, you were rehearsing non-stop, Ro--”

“I have to agree with Virgil. You said it yourself. You gave your all, did exquisitely, and showed them a performance of a lifetime--”

“No. I did not.” Roman’s breathing grows ragged as he still refuses to meet their eyes. “I… I lied. I didn’t do great in the audition. Not by a long shot.”

“Roman, this could just be you amplifying miniscule mistakes again--”

“Yeah, ‘cause that would sound more like me, wouldn’t it? It’s much easier to believe that Roman’s overthinking this one itsy-bitsy mistake than Roman actually fucking up big time by forgetting his lines and choking up right from the get-go--”

“Roman--”

“‘Cause that’s not  _ me,  _ is it? I don’t mess up. I’m not supposed to show less than what I always have. I’m supposed to give my absolute one-hundred percent and make the most minimal mistakes ‘cause that’s what I’ve always done.”

“Ro, aren’t you being a little hard on yourself?” Virgil asks; the hand on Roman’s knee growing the slightest bit colder.

“Maybe. But it’s still the truth.” Roman stops to glance at both of them for the quickest second before settling his gaze on his hands once again. “I’ve seen how happy I’ve made you guys. You’ve always been so proud of me. I’ve come to love seeing those beautiful smiles on your faces every time I’ve accomplished another feat, passed another audition, or finished another performance. Seeing you two so… illustrious in the crowd, clapping as I take a bow, has always been one of the most treasured sights my eyes have seen.” 

He pauses to take a breath, letting the trembles wracking him come out as a shaky exhale. “You two have always been there to support me, make me feel just how much you love me. And I’ve always been so thankful for it. Everyday I thank the heavens for giving me such amazing people I can share a life with.” He looks at them again and takes in their unreadable expressions as they let him continue. “But I’m scared.”

Roman thought a few years of being in theater is enough for him to get better at reading people. Yet after he says his last statement he finds that he can’t interpret how Logan gulps as his eyes widen or how Virgil opens his mouth and closes it again without a word.

“I’m terrified of losing what I already have. I’m scared of losing your awe, your support. I’m scared that one day I’ll have messed up so much that there won’t be any more allowance for me to; that one day you’ll see me differently. I’m scared that one day, one of you will wake up and realize that I’m no longer the same Roman you loved.” He shakes and does his best to stop that one tear lingering in his eye.

“I guess I’m just… afraid of losing you two.” Finally, the tears fall in silence; silence just as heavy as that sitting between the trio.

Roman doesn’t want to see how they must be looking at him right now, weak and unable to stop his tears. Instead he counts the beats of silence that pass by while his dread grows with every passing second.

“Do you think we love you because you’re…  _ perfect _ ?” Logan asks. Roman does not answer.

“Yeah, Ro. Do you think the only reason we’re with you is ‘cause we see you as this… spotless, flawless, beautiful human being? I mean not that you’re not beautiful ‘cause fuck, you’re gorgeous. But do you honestly think that a couple hundred mistakes are going to make us love you any less?”

Roman’s slightly red eyes finally meet theirs but he remains unspeaking; silently communicating his unspoken answer.

Logan crosses his arms in front of him and purses his lips, a tell-tale sign for when he’s thinking of something. Roman does not usually fear the worst, but now he makes an exception.

Logan clears his throat and asks, “Roman, do you know what my favorite performance of yours is?”

Roman is perplexed at the question. Even so, he responds with a shake of his head.

“Your performance of Hamlet is an exceptional one, but it’s not that.”

Virgil butts in with his own answer. “I really liked you as JD, not gonna lie--”

“I agree, Virgil, but it’s not that either. I could also argue that you playing the creature in a rendition of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein was a bit of a challenge--”

Roman groans lightheartedly at the memory. “Logan, please don’t remind me of that--”

Logan and Virgil cheekily grin in response before Logan continues. “Apologies, but all in good light. My favorite performance of yours is actually not one you’ve done on stage, but rather one you do here at home. Quite often actually.” Roman looks up in confusion to see a slight smug smile on Logan’s lips.

“My favorite performance of yours is whenever you get up in the morning and your feet take you instinctively to the shower before your cup of coffee, where you’ll carelessly sing your heart out.” Romans feels his cheeks flush from embarrassment as Logan crouches down beside an intently listening Virgil as well. He takes Roman’s hand and continues. “The shower garbles your voice and the early scratchiness of your throat sometimes makes it a bit challenging to hit all the notes, but you still pour so much of your heart out. And I never tire of listening to it.”

It takes a while for Roman to understand the implications of Logan’s statement. And maybe he still doesn’t fully understand it when Virgil begins speaking too. “Do you love me any less because I’ve been fired from a job like… five times already?”

Roman huffs out a laugh. “No.”

“Well, do you love Logan any less ‘cause he almost forgot an anniversary that one time he was neck-deep in papers?” 

Roman shakes his head with another huff. “Of course, not--”

“Then Ro, I don’t give a shit no matter how many times you trip up. I don’t care if the next role you land comes in months after this one. I don’t give a single fuck how many times you’ve fallen flat on your face or flunked an audition, and I never will. That’s ‘cause I love you just like this, Roman. No amount of flaw, misgiving, or imperfection is ever gonna change that.”

Roman lets the words hang in the air for a bit. He breathes in the overwhelming patience and love that come with it, letting a few more tears fall victim to gravity before his mouth is curling up into a teary smile. Roman drops down from his chair to meet his lovers’ level, eyes red and heart overflowing, and he leans forward to embrace them.

Virgil shushes him as he cards his fingers through Roman’s soft, hazel locks while Logan hums an unrecognizable tune, his hands circling Roman’s trembling back as he goes.

“I love you two so much oh my god,” Roman rasps out before he’s back to reigning in the staggering surge of emotions through him.

“We love you too, you drama queen.”

“I’m glad you finally got what we’re trying to say, Roman. I’ll be honest, that was one of the stupidest things you’ve ever thought. Don’t worry, I still love you though.”

Roman can practically hear the smirk plastered on Logan’s face mingling with the snicker from Virgil. Roman throws an “Oh fuck off, Logan,” as he lightly hits his boyfriend’s back, the trio laughing along at the gesture.

It takes another three tries before Roman eventually lands his next role; featuring him running and practically jumping into their arms as he yells about how he got the lead. In any other circumstance, the failures before that would have had Roman locked in a spiral of doubt, hatred, and fear; but this was different.

The universe can trip him up as much as it’d like, but it’ll never make him any less of a person. And, as his boyfriends like to remind him, it will never make him any less loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey fams!! Every little support and kudos is eternally appreciated. Follow me on Tumblr [@nerdy-emo-royal-dad](https://nerdy-emo-royal-dad.tumblr.com/)! Stay hydrated and safe, loves! <3


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